Berated

I am stubborn.

Wow Hayden! What a revelation.

I know, I know. But I realized something new, I am stubborn about my laziness.

I don't know about you but sometimes I just get in a mood where I don't want to do anything... and I'm not going to budge on it. It's silly, but yes.

Most of the time I can overcome these feelings, because I have to do things. But for things that get put on the back burner.... it's another story.

For example, I just got my haircut. It's been over a year since I got a haircut. I am lucky to have curly hair which hides a lot of hair flaws, but a year! I am appalled with myself. The stylist who cut my hair was appalled too, as she cut off 4 inches of split ends.

This of course led to a berating by the stylist, about my poor hair care. It felt oddly reminiscent of so many dentist visits where I've been scolded for not flossing enough... -sigh-

I recall a specific visit to an orthodontist when I was 14, when I finally dropped the pretense. To set the stage; at age 14, I had already had braces twice, a palate expander, 7 teeth pulled (2 adult), and 3 steel caps installed. My father with chagrin called it my million dollar mouth. So after all of this I was now instructed to wear a retainer with spikes (to tame my tongue) for 2 years. 1 year in, I was over it. When the Orthodontist came in to ask about the retainer, I resolutely stated, "I'm not wearing it anymore." In all honesty I don't remember his reply, but I do remember the feeling. Power. The power to be be stubborn and say no. I never wore that retainer again.

I know it's a silly example, but being assertive has gotten me a long way in life. Which is probably why I'm still stubborn. And it's also why I just fess up to things now, stubborn but courteous honesty can open many doors. For which I think you can blame my southern upbringing.

So when my hairdresser "tsk, tsked" my hair. I simply said, "Yeah, it's been a year." I don't remember her reply either, but I do remember not feeling guilty about it.

Neighbors?

When I moved into my apartment building in May I was overjoyed by how quiet it was. For living in a old building with a lot tenants I thought this would be impossible, but often I can go a whole evening without hearing anyone. (This is quite different from dorm living)

The only thing that is strange are my neighbors... or lack thereof

I mean, I know they exist but I rarely see them. Thus my first impression of them is what I remember and how I identify them. Thus my immediate neighbors are:

Older Lady with pet birds who always wears a house coat
Angry Middle aged man with limp who has social anxiety
2 young guys who always play call of duty in their apt.
Arabic couple who are always making delicious smelling food

I don't know what I thought it would be like to live in an apartment building. But I guess I was hoping I could have at least a friendly interaction with my neighbors...

I blame sitcoms for these beliefs, such as: Friends, Three's Company, and Big Bang Theory. But as most things on television, apartment living is just not as romantic as it is presented.

My parent's at an early age instilled in me this desire to befriend those around me. Whether it was my mother who knew my coaches and their... spouses, children, family medical history before I even knew their name. Or my father, who would mortify me as a preteen, by befriending everyone sitting next to us the movie theater.

Alas I realized recently that I have this friend making behavior now too. When I recently left a store with Chad he turned to me and said, "How do you always do that?"
"What?" I replied.
"Make friends with every single person you meet?"
"What do you mean?"
"Hayden, you were just comparing favorite Thai restaurants with the store clerk who you just met 30 seconds ago"
".... and your saying this is weird"
As we get older I think we can be relieved by some ways we are not like our parents, but the majority of the time it's just not the case.

I still haven't given up on making friends with my neighbors, but since I never see them I might have to focus my befriending other people in my life; The cashier's I regularly see at favorite haunts and office employee's where I regularly go. And I will continue to embarrass others around me with my overt friendliness. I mean there are worse things to be know for right?

Project Peace of Mind

Since my recent medical snafu, I have decided to move some things around in my life.

Anyone who has known me for more then an minute, knows that I am on a relentless pursuit to achieve. Considering that I've been in school for the last 19 years and worked since I was 14 years old... maybe I don't know how to be any other way.

But I can do better at balancing this drive with some self care. Considering that this was the only prescription I left the hospital with, I am trying to incorporate some new things in my life.

My list includes things like:

Hanging out more with friends outside of school
Becoming more involved in my church
Working Out regularly
Find a Yoga Studio
Give myself a day off

Now I know that I won't always be able to do all of these things, but when before they were off the table because I was "too busy", I wasn't very happy. I think that having some peace of mind and happiness won't hurt my motivation with all the work I have to do.

In a way I'm happy I'm learning this lesson now and not when I'm experiencing "caregiver burnout". I'm going to take this little glimpse of what burnout could be and run headlong in the opposite direction.